[These recent mornings, I woke up feeling like going to get a fever or sorts… Fact is, I can’t sleep very well without waking up at nights… and doing some shittings. Having a chronic disease also shows you to the real world… Mortal life is definitely not easy for me, and it has always pretty punishing. So unfair… but perhaps I did something that horrible in another life to need to go through all these. But I have now a shining kind soul, maybe Heaven will pardon me.]
Ever since I have fallen sick, it’s a chance to know the reality of mortality… I mean of people around me and beyond. I read about Minister Khaw paying S$8 for his heart surgery… Good for him with a pay of at least a million per year with a few hundreds of thousands built up in his Medisave (A Singaporean CPF system) and of course, with his annual bonus, he can pay for alot of insurance coverages to insure his healthcare. If only the poor can pay $8 as well… But ironically, the poor can’t afford that much for insurance, can’t accumulate that much for Medisave, so while the rich minister promotes the $8 payment for a heart surgery, the poor public would have to pay more.

I… can’t help but think of this: The rich gets richer

My experience with medical care under Minister Khaw’s eyes isn’t that great. In fact, I find it horrendous an experience, and that includes the counsellor services. I don’t know if the minister is trying to play irony by talking about his $8 hospital bill… But I am definitely not celebrating my own bills and experience in Singapore. It’s not about politics, and I am now having very horrible experience… being actually very sick. I have never felt so ‘attacked’ before. It makes me all the more find those uncompassionate Certis people disgusting.

Obviously, my organs are under attack. But the specialists in Singapore… … 

People say a cure is coming within 8 years… The problem is, can I wait that long? And for HIV infection, a nobel prize winner suggested a vaccine should be possible within 3 years. If the vaccine is depending on the antibodies which can address 100% of the HIV strains, it should be a cure as well for HIV infection. 3 more years… Despite the 91th day HIV 4th gen Elisa test being negative, I have to live like a seronegative infected. The senior doctor said it would be conclusive if I had no PEP taken. But my body is no longer mine. I am under serious attack… Can I trust the test result?

And at times… I feel like it is an obligation to infect the entire SAF… let them feel my pain, let the infected Medical Officer feels the pain… He did say it’s no big deal. But it’s really big deal over here. And how hard could that be to infect him? It’s just a cough away…

I am, however, not evil.

But this world I am in is evil.

But the voice in me said… “It is fate that shalt deal with them… not you.”

I am a good guy this life seeking in vain for true love… This pain may be deserved for what horrible things I might have done in the previous life. Year of the Tiger is a turning point of my proud life. I don’t know if I could wake up tomorrow. If Heaven forgives me, if I am pardoned… I shalt be miraculously cured, or a cure is on its way. The year of the Tiger… It started ever since I found Kate’s facebook… I was kind of aware my punishment was coming… a repayment for what I did to her in another life. When I learned of her husband’s name, I know this is inevitable.

A destiny that I have hoped to avoid but am now embracing…

Cat… She left. The fortune teller did tell me before I left for Beijing back then, if I were to be with Hilary, I’d lose everything. I thought back then I had nothing to lose. Cat was lost at that time, my life was already down. When fortune teller suggested Tiger year is a low low point, I thought things had been so low already… How lower would it be? But it’s very low… very very very low indeed. It looks the end to me… to my puny life. That fortune teller in Zhejiang… probably fails to shield me from this disaster. I miss Cat… It’d be wonderful to see her around… as I close my eyes, as my soul leaves this world. I pray she is ok…

My ears… my lymph nodes… my kidney… my spleen… my liver… my face and hands… I need drug DSC specialist did not prescribe to me. The only way to make this known to SAF seems to be infecting everyone near me… so that they can share the pain. What words can’t tell… an infection can. Anyway, I have sought the assistance of a senior officer to help me…

DSC senior doctor suggested that I can go on to live a normal life, have sex and babies… Point is, it’s a risk… not to say… I don’t know all of what exactly am I infected with. A cure… If a girl really loves me, how can I reward her with a risk of infection by fucking her? The more someone loves you, the more you want her protected. I can’t do that. I am destined to be lonely till the cure comes… if I can wait that long. It’s tough to be a good guy. It’s tough to rein in on lust and desire, and at such desperate time… a company is greatly appreciated, but… I don’t know. It’s a sin to knowingly subject whom you love and who’d truly love you to such painful risk.

I have been a good guy all my life… with two most regretable mistakes done, I repented. And I have no wish to harm… …

I now face a bleak future. I don’t know what to do. There is obviously no aid in Singapore… even from family to be expected.

I sought advice from the Guan Yin temple  (观音庙), health is not a bad reading, but career is still a rot… Since I can’t take over from Dad in this condition, how to handle the economics of medical care? The reading suggested me to wait… Wait. How long can I wait? OMG~

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[It is natural to be down… when in case of an emergency such as my brain got attacked… Singapore expects me to crawl to A&E and Q for medical attention, and there is NO drugs nor doctors waiting at home for you. Many symptons, anxiety isn’t explaining all of them. I am diagosed with a chronic infection… yet doctors are like thinking it is no big deal… when it could be very big deal, especially to people like myself with a naturally weak immune response. I almost always got sick at intervals when people can fight off the infections without a fever… Should I continue to search for medical care? I don’t know.]
The DSC senior doctor told me he only wanted to see STD patients… SGH little girl specialist told me to see those at DSC about skin lesions because they are from National Skin Centre, I have been totally freaked out by the lesions due to STD, the doctor refused to check the anal for possible lesions… because I am no gay. I wish he could be more… concern. So… I have been refered to a psychatist, but I am really not feeling well… And I took another Elisa test and rapid test together with the same blood drawn… The nurse said: “If you have no money, you can’t take the tests… Do you have the money?”

If Minister Khaw has no money, he also won’t get tested. Another possible HIV bio-weapon would be at large. And if he has no money, he won’t pay insurance, he will not get medication… If he has no money, he can’t get surgery, transplant, cancer treatments… In short, in this compassionate society with a top class medical care, if citizens have no money… you die your business.

The rapid test to me isn’t as good as the Elisa test, and I purposely questioned the senior doctor about the test being Antigen cum Antibody test or not as they have talked about at their website. He didn’t sound so sure. I took the rapid test because… I was very worried. I want to take the Elisa test and get a rapid instant result as well to be able to sleep. 135days rapid test returns negative. For a moment, I was relieved… but I feel at noon at times, my thymus area had some… ‘feel’. Is my thymus overworked, or attacked? Am I really a seronegative HIV infected?

I have read about two Malaysians infected with HIV without sex nor sharing needles. They suspect dental care done in Malaysia… Possible. But Thailand has a possible case of HIV transmission via immune cells at the skin… Which means, rubbing shoulders could become a mode. And as I read about more and more HIV negative but infected cases where one women was tested for 2 years multiple times returning negative but died of HIV infection.

I am having some ‘heaty’ pain at the ears and the head… near the sun ‘spot’. I fear it could be due to the baterial infection spreaded from the cornea scratch by a kid…#1

The doctor said he was also an infected himself, it was no big deal. Perhaps the strain is not the same… the quantity is not the same. He insisted that the rash at my chin is eczema, not yeast infection, not ARS rash, but he gave me Betamethasone and Aqueous Cream. I feel my throat… not right today as I travelled to Clementi to see an old doctor… There are very few doctors I can trust nowadays, and this is a chinese practitioner of a high grade in Singapore, we know each other since I was little. He wasn’t around… I didn’t go to Mount E to see the gastric specialist. I now know I am infected…

I don’t know if the doctor lied about his status. I don’t know why I am feeling so horrible.

Am I infected with HPV? The doctor said the body will clear up HPV infection if the body can. Maybe I am getting an oral cancer? I wanted to ask alot of question… He’s not like willing to entertain me. I wanted to know if I am infected with Chancoid… and what should I do? I saw two pus filled lesions a few months ago at the  left of the neck… He verbally assured me  Singapore has no chancoid…(???) I am not really sure that I can be assured like that. And the eyes… At least he told me the ‘eczema’ won’t be infecting people who touch them.

There are two possibilities, I am infected by a version of HIV that currently cannot be detected… or a variant of infection different from the doctor’s.

People said I can still have a lovelife. I can’t. The cure as I was told… would be within two years. I am only worried about the complications… nothing else. I am afraid for some reasons… I don’t have the real answers after so many trips to see so many doctors. And of course, there is this SAF to deal with. How to convince them of my condition? I have no idea, my CO assured me he’s helping me to apply for deferment. If there is no cure, how long would I need to be deferred?  Maybe the stressing exercise has been a big mistake.

Now I have to rely on regular intake of antioxidant pills to deal with the free radicals released due to the prolonged stress. And possibly, I have to deal with cancerous growths as well…

The eczema could be due to the infection… it could be potentially life-threatening, yet… I don’t know whether I can trust the DSC specialists. I am getting certain headaches, pain at the ears, and so on… My brain, lung, liver and such could be under attack. If this is not eczema herpticum… since the doctor didn’t say it is… I don’t know. I only know I am not feeling very well, and I think it’s time to see go to the infectious disease specialists. How can the doctor be an infected himself? How can it be so easy on him and so difficult with me?

But life is never fair.

Mdm Alison… she said I can still kiss and have kids and lead a normal life. She said complications are rare. But for me… … I don’t know. I have wanted to trust her. I don’t mean to pester her but… I am really feeling unwell. Can’t say that I am not disappointed… Ezcema… I am more worried for Cat. Luckily… Kate didn’t choose me. Her husband at least looks healthy. I have allegic reactions since small. And this infection with an eczema is no joke. My eyes are failing… I think.  A huge portion of population may be infected, but my case… is obviously not that easy, it’s unique.  This eczema is probably due to immune response… And I’d like to think that… the immune system has been trying to clean up the latent infection, a disease which could be a blessing in disguise. It’s such that mankind really doesn’t know much about eczema yet.

If Martin or Alison or Chan ever read this… I don’t want to doubt them. But I am really feeling bad news, and it’s not really due to stress. If only they can be more concern…#2

I don’t know who to talk to in my last few days in this mortal world. I want to hug Cat again. I want to see Kate one last time. I want to say sorry to Hilary that I couldn’t stay with her. I want to see Lih still healthy and alive. I have no will to make. My parents won’t be able to understand my condition. Singaporeans such as Andy Ong only wants my money by hook or crook, this world… 34yo… seeking true love all these years… and I have to die alone, and before that… suffer the pain in a family that thinks I am ok. What a joke to be a Singaporean. No wonder I feel my spleen and pancreas area got agitation…

This is a cold cruel world. There is no love for me to search…

The eczema must be related to the infection… and… I don’t think taking Betamethasone would be nice… It does suppress immune response. But then… what could my thymus be fighting? If the immune response is about fighting the roots of the cause, the latent infection, suppressing the immune response makes no sense. Mankind still doesn’t have confirmed understanding of eczema… Allegy is due to immune system attacking even the body’s cells… And when the body discovers or is able to realise that it must attack infections hiding in the cells… that should be a good thing. My ‘allegy’ in the past… heal my acne attack completely. That was very serious acne situation, the reason why people see the ‘pretty cool face’ with not even a dot now is really because of those allegic reactions. My face bloated… It was horrible… the pain…

And now, another sort of ezcema comes. If it is not a disease… it’d be something Heaven is doing to cure me… or to kill me.

I shouldn’t be adventurous and try ‘special massages’ twice. But I am really a good guy. I know spirits exist… I think Heaven exists… … Perhaps some genes of mine is turned on to fight the infection.

I can still socialise, work… but… I don’t think I can have a lovelife anymore as Mdm Alison suggested. Or perhaps this is an autoimmune issue, hence my HIV tests have been all wasted… they won’t be accurate. The only way I’d know is to fuck a woman and she got tested positive. But I am not evil. I am worried for Cat. Cat left, but I still love her… so very much. She is no replacement of Kate. I always love my women truly. Go away, Cat… I pray you will be alright. I pray… if any spirits know of my plight… love me as I am dying alone. I won’t go to church… if there is a God, He will save me. I have praying also… that Kate can just live a dull ordinary simple life… Year of the Tiger indicates a powerful health hazard of which death is on the card.

If I were to be lucky enough to wait for the cure… and be cured…

Would I be so lucky? I have been down all this while… whenever my life seems to be picking up positive momentum, something horrible would bash it down. Heaven… no matter what I have done in my previous life… I am really a kind good soul now… Please pardon me. I should have justified for the mercy.

Cat… … Recently she fell sick#3, I was so… worried. But she looks ok the next day. I am worried… for a lot of things. Is DSC really updated about this infection? When Heaven shows me who Kate was to me… I was already afraid of this fate… but… I now know it can’t be prepared. It’s painful, it cannot be remedied. The senior doctor said this eczema isn’t contagious#4… I better think twice. What if it is? Is he going to just say sorry? Will Singaporeans ever say sorry at all?

Hello world… who… who is out there?

#1 There could be a baterial infection due to this spreaded elsewhere… and the uncurable infection got together with the wounds caused by the baterial infection… Sigh~ So what? Where in Singapore can I find a doctor to save me?

#2 Interestingly, none at DSC informed me of crucial diet necessary to maintain myself as this is deemed important. And of course, none would provide any letter helping to explain to SAF about my ‘needs’, all of which deserving attention.

#3 At night she sms-ed me about visiting hospital… I was initally horrified~ Her bill came to about $100, pretty steep for her. I told her to stay with me for the time being… as I can’t rest assured with her renting a room out there… She refused. I myself am having pain in the ear, and sharp pain of the head… 14th Nov, the Chinese sensei who is pretty highly graded in Singapore toldm me he’d help with my infection by clearing it. I took the medicene and… Let’s see how. The cure won’t likely be around before 2 years… and that’s a torture. Can you believe it… 99% of Turkish population also got infected… … Maybe eating Turkish would be safe…???

#4 Despite the 135th day HIV rapid test… no matter, I think I am experiencing something else… perhaps a baterial infection as well. But… Since the senior doctor won’t bother, hopefully the infectious disease specialist would shed some light… Hopefully, that specialist won’t tell me I am alright without biopsy and necessary tests and checks.