Scope and Daniel Wu.
[Scope and Daniel Wu in “The S Brothers”. Of course, this is a fake. The CGP is just a result of my free-time.] 
Although it didn’t come as a surprise, but a magazine has just rejected my application as a designer. Well, what’s new? Maybe to the HR, Scope is some untalented chap who can’t design.

But here, I am taking such rejections easier nowadays. In this ‘competitive’ world, ability is not always the utmost consideration to compete. After all, most of us are just piles of resumes and nothing else. Without connections, it would be worse.

But what has been worse is the recent posting notice I received from the NS (National Service) unit around 10 Feb 2007. Guess when was the letter drafted.

11 Jan 2007!!!

And guess when was the posting decided. 15 Nov 2006!!! So that’s the kind of thing I have gotten used to with SAF. Never mind that because I never have a better impression of hellhole SAF. And this posting order is so sick… Why can’t the unit just let this Lobo-god be left in the Holding List as some useless spare capacity? SAF can save the NS pay, and if I can, I’d rather pay that meagre amount for SAF to stop disturbing me.

My SBO has melted, my boots have become dust, and to return to some active unit for reservist service, I’d have to get them all replaced… What a hassle~!

If those sadistic folks prefer conscription that much, running an army properly doesn’t seem to come across their minds ever. One can imagine the great distaste of mine for SAF to even remember IPPT.

Hopefully SAF computer system be struck by lightling or kena (meaning hit by) virus or what, then whole system no have my sweet name in it ever… Hahahaha… I’d praise heaven for such marvelous deed.

In any case, I am preparing the charge ahead in life given the chance. May all be well.Scope & Hirosue.
[Hirosue and Me. It is a nice thing to picture myself next to one of the prettiest girls in asia. Too bad, rumor has it that she was pregnant without marriage or what… whichever way, she is no longer available.]

Drive Your Instructor Crazy & Pass your Driving Test 101.

Many Singaporeans are book-eaters, thanks to the sick education system, and results are ‘reproduced’ from ten-years-series. So when you want to get your dirty hands on the cute little driving license, scoring your way pass the multiple choice test is not too hard for a Singaporean. After all, when one hits road, who would remember so many rules and regulations stated on the textbooks?

Like this Traffic Police all jobless already, who will pay fine if everyone remembers the rules?

But when it comes to practical test, there is no ten-years-series. So many people panicked and failed. Actually no need to be so worried. Scope will tell you the secrets of the idiotic way to pass your practical test with relative ease…

If you take your practical test at the Gombak Centre, after the basic technique tests at the centre, you only need to be careful when you are driving out of the centre to hit the road. The test routes of Gombak centre are mostly narrow two-lanes-traffic. And what does this mean?

Read on…

It means that all you need to do is to be a parasite as if you are some Singaporean civil servants. Let me show you just how. 

Hitting the road, your immediate concern is to find a fu(king bus and trail behind it. Never mind it is fu(king slow. Do not ever seek to overtake the bus. The whole idea is to be a parasite of the bus by driving closely behind, and to hell with leaving how many car-length’s space between you and the bus. Singapore’s buses are so ridiculously slow that you do not need such huge reaction time to need so large a space in between.

There are good reasons to be a parasite:

1. The bus will pace you. Since the bus is crawling on the roads, there is no way you’d exceed speed limit if you follow blindly. Remember, bus drivers are workers of GLCs (Government-linked-companies), they are more ‘kiasee’ (singlish for ‘extremely particular’) on keeping on the safe sides of things. So you follow their turtle pace you are safe. You do not need even to waste attention on your speed meter, so you have more leisure to focus on other things.

2. Let the bus handles road contigencies ahead. If there is anything ahead, with a bus in front, you turn when it turns, you stop when it stops. No matter if it is a cyclist ahead or a repair work going on or a tight traffic in front, if the humongous bus can move on, your tiny test vehicle certainly can. Especially for the blur chaps who are not used to traffic lights, rules and such, you can just monkey sees monkey does. The bus will show you where and when to cross and turn. Let the bus makes all the decisions. You only follow slowly behind and prepare to stop or go. Keep it simple.

3. The bus helps you to waste precious time before your testing officer thinks of other ‘technique testings’ to torture you. You should be aware that these officers have schedules to follow, and you need to help them waste time. If you don’t waste their time, they would probably help to waste your test. The bus is indeed so slow to follow that time will also be wasted. You have to waste time till the officer deems it long enough to ride with a boring rookie so that nothing extraordinary would happen.

How can you not overtake?

Yes. Driving as if you are the next Ninja Tortise next to a dashing princely Alfa Romeo may be a lot less exciting, and you may piss off some impatient testing officer. But that’s when you have to be some sort of civil servant, offering all sorts of by-right and by-law excuses:

1. Look, the freakingly slow bus is also a fu(king huge dino, and it keeps to the left as you do! Which is by right what you should be doing! Keep left~ Follow the fu(king rules and don’t overtake if you have left only half-vehicle space between you.

2. You have to admit this, that the test routes are not only narrow but mostly with curves and turns. And that means you cannot see probably what is ahead proper enough to overtake. Besides, those routes are mostly in housing estates where people would be jay-crossing big times. You can’t just risk speeding and overtaking, not for the people… but for your license! But you tell the testing officer that it is for his safety that, as a rookie, you don’t deal in chances.

3. Do not overtake even if the bus stops at bus stops! Why? Because passengers are alighting taking random amount of time and what do they do next? Some kids may just dash across the road out of the bus just when you try the overtaking. As a rookie, you never do that! And you tell your testing officer that you are a safe road user… Never mind the fact that once you got the license, I am sure you’d just dash past the freaking bus like nobody’s business…

4. Other than you the rookie, many nearby vehicles will be busy trying to overtake you and the fu(king slow moving bus. That means there should be less chances on the right lane for you to try overtaking. Nobody in the right mind would not overtake a snail, not to say two… lest it is the rookie on test. Let them dash past you on the right and curse you, but don’t be the hero if you want your license.

So your impatient testing officer is both bored and has too much vehicle smokes from the bus by you being a parasite. He may be going crazy because he probably has and is taking thousands of such parasites on tests. But you cannot afford to listen to him! That is where you have to learn from the civil servants; Excuses, excuses and more excuses painting the horror scenes if you risk overtaking and showing off how law-abiding you are for the sake of his puny existence and the reputation of the driving centre all in the great name and honor of safety and craps…

If the testing offcer threatens you to risk the overtaking, do report him to the Traffic Police.

Now what if the nearest bus is just behind you and there is none ahead in sight? Simple. Just pretend to want to overtake the front vehicle and go to the right lane and fail to overtake. Once you do so, by the time you hit the left lane again, you will be probably right behind the bus.

Do not worry. The slot at the bus’s backside is almost always empty. Who in the right mind would want the position other than a rookie on test? So aim carefully and you can easily drive yourself into the backside of the bus… Hahaha…

There is no need to worry that there are no buses on the test routes. Just follow closely and blindly behind the buses and you will get your license to speed on the road soon enough.

“Wow, like this can pass???”

Yes. And it is so simple, right? Remember the civil servant mentality and attitude, and you can fly through this practical test like a guru. Remember, BUS stands for “Best Underhand Solution” for your driving test at Gombak Centre.

Pleasant driving!